Currently Listening Night Songs By Cinderella Nobody's Fool see related

I'd rather Walk With then Follow

 I have done a lot of thinking about theology lately. In particular, about what it means to be a Christian. Many people call themselves "followers of Christ." I believe taht to be true. But I have begun to aspire to more. Listen to this quote by St. Patrick (yes, the one who has the holiday): Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me. I read that and think: Patrick gets it. He gets the idea of what it means to be a believer. It is all about fully enveloping yourself in God's holy nature. Existing in the nature that you don't follow Christ all the time (note my words), but rather walk with Christ before you, behind you, above you, below you (!), and in you. I have reached a point where my steps are becoming larger. I have been following for some time, and I have begun to find myself "catching up to Christ." He is beconing me to come closer. To embrace the closer walk. In my minds eye I can see Him looking over his shoulder to talk to all His followers, but then He becons me to come closer. My pace quickens, His hand motions 'closer.' I am nearing the Master, I reach his side, He stops walking, looks at me, smiles and speaks:

"Now Listen to what I have in store for you..."

Currently Reading The Illustrated Dracula By Bram Stoker see related

Why it sort of hurts when I breath

Currently Reading Postmodern Pooh (Rethinking Theory) By Frederick Crews see related

josh and the very good soup

here is a fun story i wanted to share with you today. i was sitting at work tonight and thought "i am not feeling so well, maybe i should make some soup to make me feel better!" so i proceeded to look around the store for things to make soup with. I found many assorted food items and i threw them all into a big bowl. i stood over the bowl for a bit, stirring and trying to make this food look good, but to no avial. it just sat there like a ugly bown marsh. gross. in the end, the soup just made me gag and left a bad taste in my mouth. so i ended up flushing it all down the toilet. the end

ps: alternate title to this short story- "how josh got sick and threw up at work." read it again. it still works.

Currently Listening Endless Wire (W/Dvd) By Who It's Never Enough see related

Burn Out

I am burnt out on a lot of things right now. First and foremore is school. Take my wednesdays for example. I get up at 8:30, scoot off to chapel, then a class, followed by another class, followed directly by two hours of service learning at the arboretum, then sprint from arcadia back to azusa for work at 4 until eight. which means that i get back into my apartment somewhere around 8:30. but my day isn't done yet! then it is time to focus in and try to work on my senior sem paper, or maybe gre, or maybe study for german, or that grammar paper I have coming up. There is so much that needs to be done, but is not getting done. And I am feeling it all now.

I have been dealing with this whole grad school idea for a few months now, but now I don't know how I feel about it. Everyone who finds out I am graduating asks me if I am excited. Until now, I have yet to say a firm "yes". I always answer with "I am too busy to be excited. Ask me again in December." This is very true. I have not even thought about graduating yet. I have been too preoccupied about thinking about POST-graduate work to think about it. Does that seem backward to anyone else? Sure does to me. I should be excited about being a senior, gearing up to get out. But I am not. My life is taken up by school work. But no more. I talked with my dad and I told him I am not thinking about grad school right now. I really want to teach as soon as possible. I just finished a volunteer teaching gig in a local junior high, and I loved it. I had so much fun. I really want to get into a teaching job sooner, rather than later...plus this way I can start to pay off loans before they begin to...pile up.

Speaking of fun, that is something I have not been able to enjoy on my own personal time in a while. Take into account, I am not counting hanging out with friends or anything. As Tirzah could tell you, I am a isolated person in some deep region of my being, and that part of me is getting (to quote Gladiator) fat and bored. I have been so worked up over going here, and doing that thing over there that I have had no time to myself. When I do get free time (usually on a weekend) Tirzah is here and I want to spend time with her as much as I can. So my personal time gets shoved in the back again. I just want a few hours in play WoW...or Lego Star Wars. Where I am on no ones time schedual but my own, where I dont have to keep watching the clock wondering if I will be late for class, and where I can just relax and enjoy it. Here's to hoping that comes soon.

Another area I am burnt out on is chapel. I am fed up with chapel. Yeah, you heard me. Fed. Up. It's not that I am going through some spiritual crises (the opposite is true, actually) but I am wondering why there is a lack of challengement in chapel for me. For the past few years, I have gone to chapels and heard some heavy hitters come speak. John Piper, Erwin McMahnon, Phillip Yancy, Cy Rodgers, and God knows that list goes on. But where are these speakers this year? Strangely absent. In there stead, we have gotten other speakers who, while presenting some good ideas, just lack the same punch as years past. Pile that on top of the fact that Chapel programs have not responded to any of the e-mail questions I have sent them...and the whole experience is ruined. You know, when you give feedback, and pose a question in the feedback, you expect a repsonce. Well, it has been six weeks and four e-mails later, and I am still left hanging. I am sure there is some reason for it, but I would have taken a "Thank you for your e-mail" e-mail and been happy. Just to know I have been acknowledged and my e-mail was at least read. Where I sit now, it feels like Chapel Programs just doesn't care. And at this point, I have stopped caring in return.

In short, I am burnt out of the world as I "should be happy with." The grad school plan, experiencing chapel three times a week, and those things...I SHOULD be happy with them. But instead, I am not. They piss me off, make me more tired then I should, and put off my enjoyment of my Seniority. I should be loving every day of my senior year, yet instead I burn with anger towards it.

But it's not all bad news. God has been working on me. Upon taking a brief spiritual retreat on top the Garcia Trail (with a few other seniors...and a freshman who tagged along) God told me that He was going to work with me one-on-one for a big. Sort of a Mono-a-Theo sort of thing, if that makes any sense. He knows how angry I am at chapels, and how that has seriously gotten in the way of any growth lately. So He told me in a moment of mediatation to remove myself my churches for the time being. So I did. And, what do you know? I am hearing and seeing the movement of God more clearly then ever before. That led me to discover this whole "no-grad-school-right-now" mind set. So...thanks God.

So, there you go. That is where I am right now. Trying to deal with heavy work loads, and doing a semi-good job of it. That is all there is to it. And...well I leave you with a quote from Groucho Marx, who superbly sums up my feelings at this point.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

The Mocking When

Sit down children, and let me tell you a tale of battle, blood, anger, and vengence.

Long ago in the far off land of Azusa Pacific University, there was a class of young grammarians. Taught by the mightiest grammarian wizard Drewrilon, these young men and women studied hard to learn how to manipulate the language to do there bidding. They could rip sentences into small sections, identify the random parts, and reform the words into passive forms with ease and speed that mad ethem the envy of their fellow students.

Yet finall, Drewrilon told his students the first day of testing was soon to befall them. "Come the nineteenth day of October, you all will face your fears. I will take my strongest sentences and throw them at you, and it will be up to you to face them and walk away victorious. The students looked around at each other in aprehension, for they had done poorly on the previous tests. Yet they knew with enough studying and fortitude, they might have enough to face Drewrilon's magic.

So they studied for days upon days, nights upon nights. One student in particular focused extra hard. His name was Joshiphus, and he had struggled too long under the grammarian spells. "If I apply myself to the magical texts for the week leading up the test, I will surely emerge victorious!" So Joshiphus studied before his day began, and even far into the night. But before too long, the day of testing had arrived.

All the students nervously walked into Drewrilon's chambers, and they began to talk amongst themselves, quizzing there own grammarian abilities. Soon Drewrilon walked in, robes flowing, and he looked at his students carefully. "Students, I wish you the best of luck. You may begin!"

Soon sentences began to fly out of the void and test each students abilities. Joshiphus tackled the first few Sentenus Pattronus with no problem. He turned his attention to the next portion of the test: Disection of a Sentenus and identifying its parts. The first Sentenus fell after a few short minutes, and Joshiphus adeptly diagramed it into the Reed-Kellogg style and a Phrasal Structure Pattern. But then, disaster struck.

Out of the void, Drewrilon conjured a Sentenus that Joshiphus could not identify at first. Joshiphus knew that this was a Wh-question, but it was like one he had never seen before. "Where were you when I needed a shove to get to the garage for repairs?" For a few minutes, Joshiphus just stared at the beast, trying to get a feel for it. He found prepositional phrases here, identified noun and verb phrases, but then began to falter. "What is this? An Infinitive? Perhaps...but where do the empty place holders go? I know where the 'Where,' 'were,' and 'you' go but...but what of this 'when'?"

Joshiphus simply stared at the Mocking When and could not identify where it went. It just stoof there, biting at his fingers, snapping its fearful jaws, and snarling like the beast it was. Joshiphus finally identified it as a modifier, he knew he was incorrect, but he needed to continue on with the test. Time was running out. With the remaining minutes, Joshiphus manipulated forms of "to be" and identified awkward sentences, but now he was second guessing himself. In the battle with the Mocking When, its poisonous siliva had gotten into Joshiphus' system, and now he was not sure of anything. Everything just seemed incorrect to his mind. He fought off the poison as best he could and he finished the test.

Joshiphus walked out of the class a ruined man, the Mocking When's vile spittle still tapping into his brain waves. He was unsure of how he had done, and he would not know for a week. for now, he simply waits until his next encounter with the beast. The beast that ruined his mind.